Did I say my weight loss plan doesn’t work?  I mean it works like a charm!  I lost 2 pounds since I said gained 3 pounds!  Celebration for me all day long.  To celebrate I found the perfect video:

How did I lose 2 pounds so fast? Cut my calories in half and went walking for an hour each day. I weigh a lot so it was relatively easy for me (as opposed to someone just 20 lbs overweight).

It’s so great to see that scale headed in the right direction. The recipe for success was discipline and distractions. As soon as I kept myself preoccupied it became a whole lot easier to stay out of the kitchen.

On my walk, I took my iPhone and cranked up the music and just sweated my ass off around the block. I love the site of sweat because that means the fat is pouring off me.

I’m not done yet. I’m going to lose even more weight. I previously ate so many calories during the day it’s made it easy for me to shave off 2,500 just by cutting out snacks, sweets, and excess. Plus, the walking burns a ton of calories because I really challenge myself.

The weight is coming off and I’m not going back!

http://www.weightlossthoughts.com

Well the good news is I have a friend called Netlix.  She keeps me company when things get lonely and trust me, I get pretty lonely sometimes.  Many people aren’t very lonely but have you ever felt all by yourself?  I feel all alone a lot so I always try to turn the TV or music on to have the sound of people talking, otherwise it gets too quiet.

Sometimes – even though I’m usually pretty lazy – I’ll go to Wal-Mart just to be around other people.  When the Wal-Mart greeter says hi to me, I always try to stop and chat for as long as they’ll go for it.  It really makes my day.  The Wal-Mart greeters are almost always really nice people.  I hope they get paid at least $10 an hour.

I’ve been on this new diet of mine for a few days but I still gained 3 lbs.  It’s ok, I’m almost resigned to being fat and alone for the rest of my life.  I get really sad about it but I have very low confidence which goes right along with my low self esteem.  Things that people say about me negatively really knock me down a peg each time.

For every comment or snide remark I get, I sink that much lower.  Sometimes I’m just sad for an extended period of time.  Even my rays of happiness are not true and cannot be lasting.  For example, the small talk with the Wal-Mart greeters is just that, small talk.  The interaction is fleeting and still leaves me all alone on Thanksgiving, setting up a Thanksgiving day meal by myself for only me.

I’m going to stop writing now because I’m getting to sad thinking about this.  I wish I had more self control to stop my binge eating.

http://www.weightlossthoughts.com

The work whistle sounds (at least the imaginary one) and it’s noon time.  Noon = lunch.  I had been feeling good about myself.  My scale registered that I had lost two pounds in the last week, my hair was working well, and my clothes looked good on me.  Or so I thought.  While I was greedily propelling myself towards my favorite mid-day food troff, I walked past a kid on the sidewalk.  I noticed him look at me in a way that told me something bad was a’brewing.  Sure enough, as soon as I past I heard him making oinking noises to his friend.

Could he not just do my the common courtesy of waiting until I was out of hearing distance?  The critique stung because I know kids can be brutally honest and in his eyes I looked like a pig.  That stuck with my all lunch as I sadly scarfed down a sub style sandwhich with chips and diet soda.

I’m 36 and supposed to be able to absorb that kind of immature barb, but what really hurts is I know it’s true.

http://www.weightlossthoughts.com

Ok so the day starts out with me waking up at 2:04 pm to the sound of my chihuahua barking at me to go outside.  Fair enough.  So I start to leverage myself out of bed when the glass of coke I had left cushioned against my ribular area and the body pillow falls and spills all on me and the bed.  Great now I’m sticky.

But it gets worse.  I had left an empty paper plate of Chips Ahoy cookie crumbs atop my delicately non-petite abdomen area.  As soon as the watered down sugar drink got on me, I had a snap reflection reaction and the cookie crumbles got all in the sheets and covers and added a little graininess to the soda stickiness that was already on me.

Nevertheless, being the trooper I am, I get up and go take my dog outside.  I’m in my pajamas which is no big deal, they’re just like uniformed soft clothes for sleeping in so no big deal… except one thing – It looks like I peed in bed.  I just thought I was sticky and cookie crumbly but no, apparently now I look like I’ve peed my bed.

My jackass next door neighbor brought this to my attention in the most discreet manner possible though.  He was mowing his lawn, then saw me standing with my dog and stopped.  He hollered out, “Hey, what happened to your pants?  They’re soaked!”  He wasn’t trying to be obnoxious but it was a dumb question and comment.  Anyway, he was bout 60 feet away when cried out to me so my “bed wetting” was brought to the attention of 3 or 4 other people milling around so I’m sure the whole neighborhood knows now.

It’s not exactly something you want people to have down on your scouting report.  Before I was probably just fat, lonely, and drove a Hyundai.  Now, I’ve got bed wetting in my profile.  Great.

When I got back inside after my 3 hours of 2 minutes of humiliation, I gobbled down some candy bars and Chef Boyardee Ravioli.  Wierd combination, I know, but the ravioli had to go in the microwave for 2 and a half minutes and then get cooled off.  What else was I going to do in my idle time?

I did think of my weight loss commitments though.  I gave Chester (dog) some of the semi-gross meat sauce when I was done instead of cramming it down my throat like I might have done without him.  Can’t let it go to waste, you know?  That’s my rationalization anyways.

Next on the fun land tour, I watched 2 movies I’ve already watched on Netflix before and here we are.  At least it’s Sunday night and not Saturday so I can say I’m tapering the night down so “I can prepare for work” tomorrow.  That reminds me, someone emailed me asking what I do for a living.

At first, I thought this was nosy.   Then I thought, what am I saying, I got some human contact here.  I got a real email from someone who isn’t selling something or trying to scam me – I felt a little bit of a rush.  Yes, it’s sad and pathetic but I choose to ignore that realism.

So anyways, back to my job.  I coordinate office furniture infrastructure.  Basically, I advise companies on how to arrange their cubicles, desks, rooms, water coolers, receptionist desks, and so on.  So yeah, that’s what I do.  There’s a little more to it but in a sentence there ya go.

Olive Garden just had a commercial that their never ending pasta bowl is back.  The eyes I get when I walk in and the people waiting hear me ask if the never ending pasta bowl special is going on.  I can just hear them thinking, “yeah fatty but you don’t need it” or “leave some for the rest of us”.

That’s not the worst part though.  The worst part is when I try to quietly but normally say “table for 1″ and then it’s like the air gets taken out of the building.  For some reason right as I’m about to say that, the whole restaurant gets super quiet.  It’s almost as if the universe wants to hear me say it.  Fine!  “TABLE FOR ONE YOU SON OF A BITCHES!”

There, now everyone knows.  I eat the Never Ending Pasta Bowl alone.

As you can tell, today was not a great day.

http://www.weightlossthoughts.com

If you’re wonder whether you’ve breached that line between fat and really fat, here are some good indicators that you’re super fat and not just kinda fat.  Oh and by kinda fat I mean well beyond chubby or husky or any other Piggy from Lord of the Flies references.

Number 1.  When your dog climbs up your stomach, his/her legs sink like quick sand in your blob of fat.

Number 2. You constantly tug at your shirt to keep it out of your fat.

Number 3. People maneuver differently around you for practical reasons.

Number 4. Your fat spills over your pants or you reach the point where you buy bigger pants so you can include your fat in the button up.

Number 5. You start a weight loss blog and start writing about how fat you are.

These are pretty good indicators.  Usually any one of the above “signs I’m fat” will qualify you for the other four.

http://www.weightlossthoughts.com

The Spammers are really attracted to my weight loss blog.  Maybe it’s because they know I’m fat as hell that they think they can spam me and I’ll be too lazy to delete their comments.  Well, I’m not!  I may be super duper fat, but I can still smash away at my keyboard.  Fatass 1, Spammers 0.

So anyways, I’ve found this cool iPhone app that keeps track of calories burned, distance traveled, and time.  It’s called RunKeeper and it’s completely free.  You can get the paid version for $4.99 a month with in-depth analysis on what you’ve done, but the free version works just fine for me.

It’s really cool to see the numbers and see what you’ve done in black and white.  It really gets me going and motivates me to run/walk more.  Plus, I instantly post my results to my personal Facebook and Twitter for all the world to see.  This pushes me even more to do better.

So far my times have improved significantly along with my endurance.  I highly recommend you try this out – perhaps with a friend for even more motivation to get out there and burn off the fat.

http://www.weightlossthoughts.com

Did you ever realize that the word lardo is one letter away from being Laredo?  Eh, eh, makes you think.  This is the big stuff in life that I choose to zero in on and really explore.  But enough about my Friday and Saturday nights of solo yahtzee (hey there’s a quiet dignity to it), I’m just posting so I can try out this new automatic Twitter post plugin I just installed in my blog.

If you’re not following me on this one (and really no pun intended here), I’m a fatass.  However, I’m not just a fatass.  Today and technology has brought fat people blogs so they can blog about being fat.  This makes me a fatass with a blog which is really still a fatass but hey, you gotta give me something.

Anyways… so this fatass has a blog and I’m trying to make it a little more fancy so I’m trying this new tool.  The new tool will tell other fat people that I just made a post on my fat blog.  As soon as they see I’ve updated my Twitter with a new “Tweet”, they’ll make a quiet acknowledgment with an eyebrow nod and between spoonfuls of lustful ice cream or spaghetti, will sticky up their keyboards to see what I wrote.

If a couple of people share or retweet my blog post, this means I’m big man on campus on the Internet and more people will know I’m fatter than holy hell.

And now it’s clear to see why I needed to try out this new post to see if my new Twitter tool worked.

http://www.weightlossthoughts.com

PS ok I admit there’s no quiet dignity to it.  Yahtzee by myself two nights in a row was almost as pathetic as when I bought two shake weights because I thought I could lose weight twice as fast.  And unfortunately that last line is a little more true than I’d like to admit.  Ouch.

Ok so no joke, I need to burn off some blubber.  About 50 pounds of blubber to be precise.  Every day, week, month, and year I come up with some hairball scheme to get the lard off me.  Want to hear the latest scheme?

You know you do so here it is:

First, I’m only drinking water and skim milk.  I love the taste of Gatorade or Juice every now and then but those sugars and calories start tacking on any lose piece of flab on my body they can find.  So this is calorie cutting measure #1.

Second, screw bread and tortillas.  You resemble what you eat, kinda, right?  Well fluffy bread and tortillas made me the farm pig I am today so screw them, I’m dumping anything bread and anything tortilla.

The last of the big triumvirate is I’m walking every day, no matter holy hell what, for 20 minutes.  There’s no way out of this.  I must walk 20 minutes at some point during the day.  If I want to exercise in addition to this, I can but I must do at least 20 minutes of walking whether outside or on the treadmill.

What do ya think?  Foolproof weight loss plan, I know.  Newayz, this is just the core premise that I want to adhere to.  I’m not saying I won’t do more, but keeping things simple is what has gained the most ground for me so keeping things simple, I shall do.

Wish me luck.  I’m a sweaty hog that relies on sweatpants almost as much as I do oxygen and celebrity gossip.  Oh the drama and fat of it all.  Instead of keep it simple stupid, I’m calling this keep it simple fatass.  The acronym isn’t as good, but I think it works.  Yeah, I think it works.

http://www.weightlossthoughts.com

You know this weight loss blog may be great for developing my writing skills and socializing online but it sucks for losing weight in real life.  I’m sitting my fat ass in front of the computer not moving nary an inch.

Today I had ice cream in bed while I watched videos on YouTube.  Ughhh.  Talk about the wrong path to weight loss success.  I need to become a blogger second and an exerciser first.

Got to find the right balance of exercise, relaxation, work, and eating.  No 2 week weight loss BS, just be healthy and look good.

http://www.weightlossthoughts.com

I know I haven’t kept up with my weight loss blog, but I had to let you all know that I lost 7 pounds in 3 weeks! The story below is really how I have begun to lose weight fast and safe and guess what – in 21 days, 7 pounds came off. I am thrilled. This is such a great weight loss success story and I can’t believe it’s me.

Here’s how I did it:

I replaced half the juices and any other things non-water besides milk with water. Next, I added 10 minutes of abs every morning right after I got up and before I ate breakfast. I did this 5 days a week – on the weekdays. Another change I made was I ran three days a week but I spaced them out – 1 on Monday, 1 on Thursday, and 1 on Sunday. All I did was run 25 minutes with all the effort I had. It was very tough, but it really helped me dig in the fat and burn it.

On eating food, I completely shut off my eating after 8:30 pm. I had been eating later and later and so I decided this could help. Big HELP! No more calories just grabbing to my fat when I went to bed. One more thing: I lifted weights and I went for a lot of reps with just my little rep and I didn’t give myself much rest – in a way this was almost like another cardio for me.

After it was all said and done, I was burning calories and lowering the number of calories I ate at the same time. The results are amazing. I feel lighter and my clothes look a ton better. Besides loosing weight, I toned up with a little muscle tone in my body.

Thanks for everybody that’s been writing in. Jen – don’t worry about what other people think at the gym. Just go in and get your body and don’t worry about anything else. Go girl!