Today… Was Not a Good Day
Ok so the day starts out with me waking up at 2:04 pm to the sound of my chihuahua barking at me to go outside. Fair enough. So I start to leverage myself out of bed when the glass of coke I had left cushioned against my ribular area and the body pillow falls and spills all on me and the bed. Great now I’m sticky.
But it gets worse. I had left an empty paper plate of Chips Ahoy cookie crumbs atop my delicately non-petite abdomen area. As soon as the watered down sugar drink got on me, I had a snap reflection reaction and the cookie crumbles got all in the sheets and covers and added a little graininess to the soda stickiness that was already on me.
Nevertheless, being the trooper I am, I get up and go take my dog outside. I’m in my pajamas which is no big deal, they’re just like uniformed soft clothes for sleeping in so no big deal… except one thing – It looks like I peed in bed. I just thought I was sticky and cookie crumbly but no, apparently now I look like I’ve peed my bed.
My jackass next door neighbor brought this to my attention in the most discreet manner possible though. He was mowing his lawn, then saw me standing with my dog and stopped. He hollered out, “Hey, what happened to your pants? They’re soaked!” He wasn’t trying to be obnoxious but it was a dumb question and comment. Anyway, he was bout 60 feet away when cried out to me so my “bed wetting” was brought to the attention of 3 or 4 other people milling around so I’m sure the whole neighborhood knows now.
It’s not exactly something you want people to have down on your scouting report. Before I was probably just fat, lonely, and drove a Hyundai. Now, I’ve got bed wetting in my profile. Great.
When I got back inside after my 3 hours of 2 minutes of humiliation, I gobbled down some candy bars and Chef Boyardee Ravioli. Wierd combination, I know, but the ravioli had to go in the microwave for 2 and a half minutes and then get cooled off. What else was I going to do in my idle time?
I did think of my weight loss commitments though. I gave Chester (dog) some of the semi-gross meat sauce when I was done instead of cramming it down my throat like I might have done without him. Can’t let it go to waste, you know? That’s my rationalization anyways.
Next on the fun land tour, I watched 2 movies I’ve already watched on Netflix before and here we are. At least it’s Sunday night and not Saturday so I can say I’m tapering the night down so “I can prepare for work” tomorrow. That reminds me, someone emailed me asking what I do for a living.
At first, I thought this was nosy. Then I thought, what am I saying, I got some human contact here. I got a real email from someone who isn’t selling something or trying to scam me – I felt a little bit of a rush. Yes, it’s sad and pathetic but I choose to ignore that realism.
So anyways, back to my job. I coordinate office furniture infrastructure. Basically, I advise companies on how to arrange their cubicles, desks, rooms, water coolers, receptionist desks, and so on. So yeah, that’s what I do. There’s a little more to it but in a sentence there ya go.
Olive Garden just had a commercial that their never ending pasta bowl is back. The eyes I get when I walk in and the people waiting hear me ask if the never ending pasta bowl special is going on. I can just hear them thinking, “yeah fatty but you don’t need it” or “leave some for the rest of us”.
That’s not the worst part though. The worst part is when I try to quietly but normally say “table for 1″ and then it’s like the air gets taken out of the building. For some reason right as I’m about to say that, the whole restaurant gets super quiet. It’s almost as if the universe wants to hear me say it. Fine! “TABLE FOR ONE YOU SON OF A BITCHES!”
There, now everyone knows. I eat the Never Ending Pasta Bowl alone.
As you can tell, today was not a great day.